When God's quiet, all you can do is think; think about what's happening, why is it happening, what is going to happen. All these thoughts race through your mind, not being answered, because God is being quiet.
My first response is to get angry and frustrated. Why was God being quiet? Why wasn't He answering? Where did he go when things were going wrong? But then I had to think, where did I go? I had gotten to this place of comfort, feeling like I, not God, was doing alright on my own. I had stopped getting in the Word and spending time in prayer. I only communicated with God when it was convenient, when I needed something, or when at church. I'm the one who was walking away, not God.
So when things started getting rough, and going the wrong way, I try and cry out to God, "Lord help me!" or "God, fix this mess." But there is no answer. I'm left lost in the quiet and in the dark.
God is supposed to answer prayers right? Come to my rescue when I call out to Him, right? So where was He? Why wasn't he answering, or helping? Why? All these questions just swirled in my head. Just with no answers. All I could do was think about them and try to figure out the answers myself.
I remembered a sermon my pastor had talked on, one thing he said was " If you draw near to God, He will always draw near to you." The quote brought an idea of comfort, but not the feeling. I was drawing near but God wasn't, and I just didn't understand why. It wasn't until I turned the page of my notes of that sermon that I finally got the answers I needed.
Atop the next page I had written, "Those prayers you feel aren't getting answered -check to see if their selfish." That's when everything clicked, and also gave me a good slap in the face. I was praying to have things fixed back to normal, and the world's standards. More importantly I realized God was quiet because I wasn't listening. I was just talking at Him, waiting for Him to do what I wanted, not listening to do His will for my life.
My heart broke realizing how wrong I'd been, but I could genuinely cry out and draw near to God. When I broke, so did the silence.
I have to remember that I am not here to fulfill my own selfish desires, I have a much greater purpose than that. I have a will purposefully designed for me, I just have to pray with fulfilling it in mind, and I need to actually be listening. Though God seemed silent and far away, He was right there with me the whole time, just patiently waiting for me to listen.
